If you've ever found yourself caught in an endless loop of "why is this happening to me?" or "this shouldn't be this way," you're experiencing something deeply human—and deeply exhausting. When we're in pain, whether emotional or physical, our natural instinct is to fight against reality. We ruminate, we resist, we wish things were different. But what if there was another way?
Enter radical acceptance: a powerful concept that can transform how you relate to difficult experiences and, ultimately, reduce your suffering. At Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary, we often introduce clients to this evidence-based skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) as a pathway toward healing and emotional freedom.
What Is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a core skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan. At its essence, radical acceptance means completely and totally accepting reality as it is in this moment, without judgment or attempts to change it. The word "radical" is key here—we're not talking about passive resignation or half-hearted acknowledgment. This is full acceptance, from the depths of your being.
It's important to understand what radical acceptance is not. It doesn't mean you approve of what's happening, that you like it, or that you're giving up on making things better in the future. It simply means you're acknowledging what is true right now, without adding layers of suffering on top of pain that already exists.
As Linehan famously said, "Rejecting reality does not change reality." Fighting against facts we cannot change creates what DBT calls "suffering = pain × resistance." The pain may be unavoidable, but the suffering we add through resistance is optional.
Why Radical Acceptance Matters
When we refuse to accept reality, we create a gap between how things are and how we think they should be. This gap becomes filled with resentment, anger, anxiety, and despair. We spend enormous amounts of mental and emotional energy fighting battles we cannot win—arguing with the past, demanding the present be different, or catastrophizing about the future.
Radical acceptance frees up that energy. When you stop fighting reality, you can redirect your resources toward effective action, healing, and building the life you want from where you actually are, not where you wish you were.
When Is Radical Acceptance Helpful?
Radical acceptance is particularly valuable in situations where:
- You cannot change the facts: A diagnosis, a loss, someone else's choices, or past events
- Your resistance is causing additional suffering: Rumination about injustice is preventing you from moving forward
- You're stuck in "should" thinking: "This shouldn't have happened," "They should have known better," "I should be further along"
- You're facing chronic pain or illness: Accepting your condition doesn't mean giving up on treatment, but rather working with your reality
- A relationship has ended: Whether through death, breakup, or estrangement
- You've experienced trauma or injustice: Acceptance of what happened is often necessary for healing, even while you continue to advocate for justice
Real-Life Examples
Sarah's Story: Sarah was passed over for a promotion she felt she deserved. For months, she stewed in anger, replaying conversations and imagining what she could have done differently. Her work performance suffered, and she became bitter. When she practiced radical acceptance, she acknowledged: "I didn't get the promotion. That is the reality." This freed her to update her resume, have honest conversations with her manager about future opportunities, and eventually find a better position elsewhere.
James's Journey: After a car accident left James with chronic back pain, he spent years angry at the driver who hit him and frustrated that his body wouldn't heal. Through radical acceptance, he acknowledged that the accident happened and his pain was real, without judgment. This shift allowed him to engage more fully with physical therapy, explore pain management techniques, and find ways to enjoy life within his new limitations.
Exercises to Practice Radical Acceptance
The Half-Smile Technique
When facing a difficult reality, adopt a slight, gentle half-smile. This isn't about pretending to be happy; research shows that facial expressions influence our emotional state. The half-smile creates physiological relaxation and opens you to acceptance.
Willingness Hands
Notice when your fists are clenched or your arms are crossed—physical signs of resistance. Open your hands, palms up, resting on your knees or thighs. This physical gesture of openness can help cultivate mental and emotional willingness to accept.
Observe and Describe
Practice observing reality without judgment. Instead of "This is terrible and unfair," try: "I am experiencing disappointment. My chest feels tight. I'm having the thought that this is unfair." This creates distance from your judgments and helps you see facts more clearly.
The Acceptance Speech
Write or speak aloud statements of acceptance: "I accept that [situation] happened. I accept my feelings about this. I accept that I cannot change the past. I accept that this is painful." Repeat these statements, even if you don't fully believe them yet. Acceptance often comes through practice.
Turning the Mind
Acceptance isn't a one-time event. When you notice yourself slipping back into non-acceptance (and you will—this is normal), consciously "turn your mind" back toward acceptance. It's like changing the channel when your thoughts drift to resistance.
Moving Forward with Acceptance
Remember that radical acceptance is a practice, not a destination. You won't do it perfectly, and that's okay. Some days you'll nail it; other days you'll struggle. What matters is that you keep returning to the practice.
After acceptance comes commitment—deciding what you want to do with the reality you've accepted. Acceptance clears the fog so you can see your path forward. It creates space for growth, healing, and values-driven action.
Resources for Deeper Learning
- Books: "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach blends Buddhist psychology with Western psychotherapy; "The DBT Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay offers practical exercises
- Apps: DBT Coach and Insight Timer offer guided radical acceptance meditations
- Therapy: Consider seeking a therapist trained in DBT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). At Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary, our experienced therapists can guide you through radical acceptance and other DBT skills tailored to your unique needs.
- Websites: The Linehan Institute and Psychology Today offer articles and resources on radical acceptance
Connect with Aspen Psychology Group
If you're in Calgary and interested in learning more about how radical acceptance and DBT therapy can support your mental health journey, our team at Aspen Psychology Group is here to help. We offer compassionate, evidence-based therapy for individuals navigating anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship challenges, and life transitions.
Your pain is real and valid. Your desire for things to be different makes complete sense. And you have the capacity to accept reality while still working toward change. These truths can coexist. In that coexistence lies freedom, resilience, and peace.