Our earliest experiences with caregivers shape the way we love, trust, and relate to others. According to attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, we form emotional bonds in childhood that become blueprints for adult relationships. When those early bonds are inconsistent, neglectful, or traumatic, we often develop insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, or disorganized.
But here’s the good news: your attachment style is not your destiny.
With awareness, intentional practice, and support, you can shift toward earned secure attachment—a state where emotional regulation, trust, and intimacy come more naturally. Experts like Dr. Dan Siegel, Tina Payne Bryson, Dr. Sue Johnson, Ed Tronick, and Diane Poole Heller have each contributed vital tools and insights that help people heal these relational wounds.
Let’s break down what insecure attachment looks like—and how you can heal it.
What Are Insecure Attachment Styles?
Anxious Attachment:
People with this style often fear rejection or abandonment and seek constant reassurance. It usually forms in response to inconsistent caregiving—sometimes the caregiver is present, other times emotionally unavailable.
Avoidant Attachment:
Marked by a reluctance to rely on others or express emotional needs, avoidant attachment develops when caregivers were emotionally dismissive or rejecting, teaching the child to suppress vulnerability.
Disorganized Attachment:
A mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors. It stems from frightening or abusive caregiving, where the child experiences the caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear.
The Science of Attachment Healing
Dr. Dan Siegel, a pioneer in interpersonal neurobiology, emphasizes the importance of integration—the linking of differentiated parts of the brain and self. His work shows that healing attachment involves creating coherence between experience, memory, and identity. In other words, what happened, how did you interpret it and store it, and how did it shape your self perception and what you expect of others.
He encourages adopting the COAL mindset towards yourself and others when reflecting and bringing awareness to how and why we behave and feel the way we do. Draw on:
- Curiosity
- Openness
- Acceptance
- Love
“The mind can change the brain, and relationships can change the mind.” – Dan Siegel
Application
- Practice mindful awareness of thoughts and emotions without judgment.
- Use narrative journaling to reflect on your childhood experiences and how they shape your relational patterns.
- Therapy focused on “mindsight”—a term coined by Siegel—helps develop emotional intelligence and empathy, key components of secure attachment.
Love as a Safe Haven
Dr. Sue Johnson developed Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a powerful, evidence-based approach for couples and individuals. Her work is rooted in the idea that adult romantic relationships are attachment bonds, and healing occurs when we feel seen, soothed, and safe.
“The greatest gift we can offer each other is our presence and emotional responsiveness.” – Sue Johnson
Application:
- Identify negative interaction patterns (pursue-withdraw, attack-defend) and learn to replace them with vulnerable expressions of needs.
- Practice emotional attunement with partners and friends—validate feelings, even when they differ from your own.
📚 Research: EFT has a 70–75% success rate in reducing relationship distress and increasing secure bonding (Johnson et al., 2005).
The Power of Repair
Developmental psychologist Ed Tronick’s “Still Face Experiment” revolutionized our understanding of early relational trauma. It showed that even brief disruptions in emotional attunement cause distress in infants—but repairing those moments builds resilience.
“It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being good enough—and repairing the moments we miss.” – Ed Tronick
Application:
- Healing doesn’t require perfect relationships, but rather the ability to notice ruptures and repair them.
- In relationships, practice saying things like: “I was distant earlier, and I see that hurt you. Can we talk about it?”
- Internally, develop self-compassion when you miss the mark. Use self-talk to repair the internal disconnection: “I didn’t know better then. I’m learning now.”
Repatterning Attachment Through the Body
Diane Poole Heller’s approach blends neuroscience, somatic therapy, and trauma healing. Her work highlights how attachment wounds are not just cognitive—but stored in the body and nervous system.
“Your attachment style lives in your body, and healing it means coming back home to yourself.” – Diane Poole Heller
Applicaton:
- Use somatic tracking to identify how emotions show up in your body.
- Engage in guided imagery or resourcing—imagining a nurturing figure or safe space to calm your nervous system.
- Re-parent your inner child by offering the emotional presence you lacked: “I’m here for you now. You’re not alone.”
📚 Research from somatic psychology supports the idea that trauma and attachment wounds can be healed through embodied practices that promote safety and co-regulation.
Healing Strategies by Attachment Style
For Anxious Attachment:
- Self-regulation: Practice grounding techniques to manage overwhelming feelings.
- Inner child work: Write letters of comfort to the younger you who feared abandonment.
- Delay response: Before texting or reacting in anxiety, pause and ask, “What do I need from me right now?”
- Secure relationships: Seek connections with emotionally available, attuned people.
For Avoidant Attachment:
- Emotional literacy: Name and express your emotions daily—even just to yourself.
- Somatic openness: Practice heart-opening stretches or breathwork to reduce physical and emotional tightness.
- Safe vulnerability: Share small pieces of your inner world with someone you trust.
- Reframe dependence: View emotional connection as strength, not weakness.
For Disorganized Attachment:
- Trauma-informed therapy: Modalities like EMDR, IFS, or Somatic Experiencing are especially helpful.
- Co-regulation: Spend time with people who feel emotionally safe and stable—your nervous system will begin to mirror theirs.
- Rituals of safety: Create daily routines that foster consistency (same bedtime, morning ritual, journaling).
- Reclaim the body: Use movement, dance, or breath to release stored fear and connect to your physical self.
The Role of Therapy and Community
Healing attachment wounds is deeply relational. While individual practices matter, secure attachment is built through safe connection. This might come through:
- Therapy: Especially with therapists trained in EFT, IFS, or somatic modalities.
- Group therapy or supportive friendships that provide consistent, compassionate presence.
- Mentorship, spiritual practice, or community that honors your story and fosters belonging.
💡 Insight: The neurobiology of attachment tells us that co-regulation—being with another who is calm, kind, and present—literally changes our brain chemistry and nervous system over time.
Closing Thoughts: From Wound to Wisdom
Your attachment style reflects your survival strategies—not your worth.
By integrating insights from Siegel’s mindsight, Johnson’s emotional responsiveness, Tronick’s repair model, and Heller’s somatic approach, you can begin the journey of healing. It’s a path of learning to trust again, first in yourself, then in others.
You don’t need perfect parents, perfect partners, or perfect healing. You just need the willingness to show up, again and again, with curiosity and compassion.
📚 Further Resources:
- The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller
- Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
- The Whole-Brain Child by Dan Siegel
- Parent-Infant Interaction and the Still Face Paradigm by Ed Tronick
- Wired for Love by Stan TatkinAttached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
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Disclaimer:
The content contained in this post is for informational/educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, consultation, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of your qualified mental healthcare provider in your area with any personal questions you may have.
Aspen Psychology Group is accepting clients at this time, Alberta residents can book an appointment here. Also, PsychologyToday.com is a great resource for finding a mental health professional in your area