Healthy, long-lasting relationships aren’t created by never arguing — they’re built on small, consistent moments of connection.
Decades of research from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute, reveal that the strongest couples, the “Masters of Relationships”, differ from those who struggle, the “Disasters of Relationships,” in surprising ways. The Masters didn’t avoid conflict or communicate perfectly; instead, they prioritized friendship, kindness, and repair.
Their research shows that the quality of a couple’s friendship is the single biggest predictor of relationship satisfaction and stability.
Masters vs. Disasters: What the Gottmans Discovered
In their famous “Love Lab,” the Gottmans observed couples over many years. They noticed two clear patterns:
- Masters of relationships stayed emotionally connected even during conflict. They made small, consistent bids for attention, affection, and support — and responded positively to their partner’s bids.
- Disasters of relationships, on the other hand, ignored or dismissed those bids, letting resentment and distance grow.
Over time, these micro-interactions mattered far more than grand gestures or perfect communication. The Masters turned toward one another hundreds of times a day; the Disasters turned away.
These small daily choices are what separate relationships that thrive from those that drift apart.
Why Friendship Matters More Than “Winning” an Argument
According to the Gottman Method, the foundation of a healthy marriage isn’t how well you solve conflicts — it’s how deeply you know, respect, and like your partner.
Conflict management is important, but it’s secondary to friendship. When friendship is strong, couples handle disagreements with more patience and humor. When friendship is weak, even small issues feel threatening.
A strong friendship provides:
- A sense of safety to share feelings and needs
- A buffer against stress and criticism
- A foundation for repair and forgiveness
In other words, friendship turns “you vs. me” into “us vs. the problem.”
7 Research-Backed Ways to Build Friendship in Your Relationship
- Turn Toward Each Other
Notice and respond when your partner seeks your attention — even in small ways. A smile, a nod, or a simple “tell me more” builds connection. - Ask Open-Ended Questions
Replace routine check-ins with genuine curiosity: “What’s been on your mind lately?” “What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?” - Share Daily Rituals
Enjoy small, predictable moments together — morning coffee, a short walk, or an evening chat. These rituals reinforce connection. - Show Appreciation Often
Regularly acknowledge your partner’s efforts, even for small things. Gratitude is one of the simplest ways to maintain positivity. - Create Shared Meaning
Talk about your values, traditions, and dreams for the future. Shared goals strengthen your sense of being a team. - Repair After Conflict
Disagreements happen — but how you repair matters. Reach out with humor, affection, or an apology to signal that the relationship is more important than the issue. - Add Fun and Novelty
Friendship grows through joy. Schedule something enjoyable together — try a new restaurant, hike a new trail, or simply laugh together.
Gottman-Based Therapy: Evidence That It Works
The Gottman Method is one of the most researched approaches to couples therapy worldwide. Studies consistently show that couples who use Gottman tools — such as enhancing friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning — report higher relationship satisfaction and better communication.
At Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary, our therapists integrate Gottman principles to help couples:
- Recognize and respond to patterns that erode connection
- Strengthen friendship and intimacy
- Develop practical tools to repair after conflict
- Build lasting emotional safety and trust
Our approach is collaborative, compassionate, and evidence-based — helping couples not only manage difficulties but also deepen closeness.
Resources and Next Steps
Helpful Reads:
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
- Eight Dates by John and Julie Gottman — a practical guide to nurturing friendship and love
- The Gottman Institute — articles, podcasts, and workshops
Ready to strengthen your relationship?
At Aspen Psychology Group, we offer couples therapy in Calgary rooted in Gottman research and practical connection-building strategies.
Learn how we can help you and your partner build a relationship that feels safe, joyful, and deeply connected.
Disclaimer: The content contained in this post is for informational/educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, consultation, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of your qualified mental healthcare provider in your area with any personal questions you may have.
Also, PsychologyToday.com is a great resource for finding a mental health professional in your area.