Most people believe they are good at apologizing. Yet, if you ask couples, families, or workplaces what causes the most ongoing hurt, “bad apologies” rank surprisingly high. We don’t receive many thoughtful, responsible apologies. More often, we hear explanations, justification, defensiveness, or subtle blame:
“Sorry you feel that way.”
“I said I was sorry — what more do you want?”
“I didn’t mean to, so you shouldn’t be upset.”
These are not apologies. They are self-protective strategies that avoid accountability.
In her book Why Won’t You Apologize? and in her conversation with Brené Brown on “Unlocking Us,” clinical psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Harriet Lerner explains why apologizing is both emotionally brave and relationally transformative. A real apology requires us to put aside our defensiveness, manage our shame, and take responsibility for the impact of our behavior, not just our intentions.
A sincere apology doesn’t erase the past, but it does create the conditions for healing, reconnection, and trust. Whether between partners, friends, siblings, or colleagues, meaningful apologies repair relationships and strengthen emotional safety.
Below are the key elements of a good apology and how we can practice them in our daily lives. For couples needing structured support with communication or repair, Gottman-informed couples therapy at Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary can help partners learn these skills together.
1. A Good Apology Names the Behavior, With No Excuses
A real apology is straightforward and accountable:
“I’m sorry I raised my voice.”
“I’m sorry I dismissed your feelings.”
“I’m sorry I joked at your expense.”
It does not include:
“I’m sorry, but…”
“I was stressed.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“You misunderstood.”
Harriet Lerner reminds us: intent is not impact.
Even if we meant well, our actions may have caused harm. When we explain, defend, or justify, the apology stops being about the person we hurt and becomes about us being seen as good, reasonable, or right.
Accountability sounds like:
“I can see that what I did hurt you.”
“I take responsibility.”
“I understand why that was upsetting.”
This form of apology acknowledges reality instead of rewriting it.
2. A Good Apology Centers the Hurt Person — Not the One Apologizing
Sometimes, a person says “I’m so ashamed,” “I feel horrible,” or “I’m a terrible partner.”
This may sound remorseful, but it redirects attention to the apologizer’s pain instead of the injured person’s experience.
Shame makes us want to collapse inward, defend, or disappear — none of which are helpful..
As Brené Brown says: “Shame is self-focused. Empathy is other-focused.”
A healthy apology keeps the emotional spotlight where healing is needed:
“Tell me how this affected you.”
“I really want to understand.”
“Your feelings make sense.”
We do not have to agree with the other person’s interpretation to acknowledge the pain they felt. Validation is not the same as confession — it is respect.
3. A Good Apology Does Not Aim for Immediate Forgiveness
One of Lerner’s most powerful messages is this:
No one owes us forgiveness — even if our apology is excellent.
A true apology is not a transaction.
It does not demand closure.
It does not rush healing.
Saying “What else do you want from me?” or “Can we just move on?” pressures the hurt party to comfort us.
Instead, a respectful approach sounds like:
“Take the time you need.”
“I’m here to listen if you want to talk more.”
“I know trust rebuilds with consistency, not words.”
Lerner writes that we repair relationships by showing up repeatedly in trustworthy ways — not by demanding absolution.
4. A Good Apology Includes Changed Behavior
Words matter — but behavior restores safety.
If the apology is sincere, something shifts:
More listening
Less defensiveness
More emotional availability
Fewer repeated hurts
More openness to feedback
A real apology sounds like:
“I am working on changing this, and here’s what I’m doing differently.”
At Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary, couples counselling often focuses on turning apologies into real behavioral change — rebuilding trust through consistent action.
5. A Good Apology Respects Boundaries
Sometimes, a person is not ready to talk.
Sometimes, they need space.
Sometimes, the relationship will not continue.
An apology given with pressure:
“You have to forgive me.”
“You can’t stay mad.”
“If you cared about us, you’d let this go.”
…is not an apology — it’s coercion.
Real repair respects the other person’s pace.
6. A Good Apology Is About Repair, Not Relief
Many people apologize to relieve guilt or discomfort. Lerner calls this a “self-serving apology.”
A real apology is offered to ease the other person’s pain, not our own.
The difference sounds like this:
❌ “I need you to forgive me so I can feel better.”
✅ “I’m here to take responsibility and rebuild trust.”
Good apologies are uncomfortable — on purpose.
They require emotional courage.
7. Sometimes, The Deepest Repair Is Listening
After “I’m sorry,” Lerner recommends a second step:
“Tell me more.”
This short phrase moves the conversation beneath the surface so both people can understand the emotional wound.
What felt painful?
What did it bring up?
What needs repairing?
Good apologies are dialogues, not quick transactions.
Why Apologizing Is Hard for So Many People
Harriet Lerner and Brené Brown highlight the two biggest barriers:
1. Shame
Shame tells us:
“If I admit this, I’m bad.”
“If I’m wrong, I’ll be rejected.”
“If I apologize, I lose power.”
2. Defensiveness
Defensiveness tells us:
“I didn’t mean to.”
“You’re overreacting.”
“Let’s not make this a big deal.”
Our brains protect our self-image — sometimes at the cost of our relationships.
The good news: apology is a skill. It can be learned, practiced, and strengthened.
How Couples Can Use These Skills
In romantic relationships, repair is an ongoing necessity. No couple avoids missteps — the healthiest couples are those who repair early and often, with warmth and accountability.
Gottman-informed couples counselling at Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary can help partners:
communicate with less defensiveness
express hurt without blame
take accountability without collapse or shame
rebuild trust
strengthen emotional safety
Couples often discover that once both partners feel heard and respected, conflict softens, connection deepens, and intimacy returns.
Final Thoughts
A good apology is not a performance; it is an act of courage.
It says:
“I value this relationship.”
“Your feelings matter.”
“I can grow.”
When offered with sincerity and follow-through, apologies create healing, safety, and closeness. They help us become the kind of partners, friends, and family members we want to be.
If you or your relationship is struggling with communication, conflict, or repair, support is available. The therapists at Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary provide compassionate, research-based couples counselling. Together, you can rebuild trust, strengthen connection, and create a healthier path forward.
Additional Resources:
Why Won't You Apologize by Harriette Learner (2017)
I'm Sorry: How to Apologize and Why It Matters - Podcast Unlocking Us by Brene Brown
Disclaimer: The content contained in this post is for informational/educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, consultation, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of your qualified mental healthcare provider in your area with any personal questions you may have.
Also, PsychologyToday.com is a great resource for finding a mental health professional in your area.