By Aspen Psychology Group Calgary
Long-term love isn’t a feeling that stays magically perfect forever — it’s a practice. Decades of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, plus practical guides like Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, make the recipe for lasting love clear: couples who build a deep friendship, learn healthy ways to manage conflict, and create shared meaning are far more likely to stay connected and satisfied across the years. Below I summarize the Gottmans’ core findings and give specific, actionable steps couples can use today to strengthen friendship and connection — and how to bring this work into couples counselling at Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary.
The three domains that matter most
The Gottmans distilled relationship health into three primary, interlocking domains:
- Friendship and intimacy — the emotional bank account of a relationship. This is built from knowing each other’s inner worlds (love maps), expressing fondness and admiration, and turning toward each other for small daily moments of connection. Strong friendship is the foundation that helps couples weather stressful times.
- Conflict resolution — the skill of managing disagreements so they don’t corrode the bond. The Gottmans separate solvable problems (which need practical problem-solving) from perpetual issues (which need ongoing dialog, compromise, and acceptance). They also identify harmful interaction patterns (the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) and teach practical antidotes.
- Creating shared meaning — the ways couples build a life together that feels meaningful: shared rituals, values, goals, and narratives (how you tell your story as a pair). When couples craft shared purpose, their relationship becomes more than two individuals; it becomes a “we” that sustains them.
These three domains are not separate silos — they feed and protect one another. Friendship cushions conflict, healthy conflict keeps the friendship alive, and shared meaning gives both reason and ritual to stay connected.
Eight dates: the Gottmans’ simple program for deepening connection
In Eight Dates, the Gottmans (with collaborators) propose eight structured conversations — each framed as a date — that guide couples through the topics that most commonly shape relationship longevity: trust, conflict, sex, money, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. The format encourages curiosity, honest sharing, and mutual understanding rather than debate. If you’re unsure where to start, scheduling one of these dates is an accessible, research-based option.
Concrete actions couples can take (Gottman-based)
Below are practical steps drawn from the Gottmans’ research that couples can begin using right away.
1. Build and refresh your Love Map (friendship)
Action: Once a week, spend 10–15 minutes asking one another open questions (current stresses, a recent small joy, a worry). Rotate who asks. Keep a running list in a phone note so you remember details.
Why it helps: The small, consistent updates to “who your partner is” build emotional attunement and make big problems less surprising.
2. Increase bids and turn toward them
Action: Notice small bids for attention (a joke, a question, a request to cuddle). Respond with genuine attention — even briefly — instead of turning away. Try a daily “two-turn” rule: each bid receives at least two engaged responses in the same day.
Why it helps: Turning toward is the micro-behavior that predicts relationship stability. Small moments add up.
3. Practice Fondness & Admiration statements
Action: Each day, say aloud one thing you appreciate about your partner — specific, short, and sincere (e.g., “I appreciated how you handled that phone call today; you were calm and kind”).
Why it helps: This builds positive sentiment and buffers against negativity.
4. Learn the Four Horsemen antidotes and use softened startups
Action: When you need to bring up a problem, begin with a softened startup: a gentle “I feel” statement and a request rather than blame. If your partner gets defensive, pause, use a repair attempt (a short empathetic line), and take a break if needed.
Why it helps: Changing how conflict begins reduces escalation and increases the chance of repair rather than rupture.
5. Rituals and shared meaning exercises
6. Use the Eight Dates format for difficult topics
Action: Pick one of the Eight Dates topics (money, sex, trust, etc.). Schedule a relaxed hour, follow the guided questions in the book or an adapted script, and aim for curiosity over persuasion.
Why it helps: The structure reframes charged topics as mutual exploration rather than conflict, increasing safety and understanding.
7. Attend couples counselling that uses the Gottman Method
Action: If patterns feel stuck, work with a trained Gottman therapist who can assess friendship, conflict patterns, and shared meaning and provide tailored exercises and coaching.
Why it helps: The Gottman Assessment tools and method are research-based and translate science into practical therapy steps.
Couples counselling at Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary
If you want to deepen your relationship, look for couples counselling that explicitly uses the Gottman Method — Aspen Psychology Group offers couples counselling in Calgary focused on building friendship, improving conflict management, and creating shared meaning. In therapy you can expect assessment (to see which of the three domains needs the most work), skill-building (love maps, bids, repair skills), and guided Eight Dates-style conversations to practice in session and at home. Mention “Gottman-based couples therapy” when you contact Aspen Psychology Group to ask about availability and tailored programs for long-term connection.
Final note: consistency over perfection
The science is clear: lasting love is less about grand gestures and more about repeated small acts that build a private world together. When couples invest in friendship, learn how to fight without damaging each other, and intentionally create rituals and meaning, their relationship becomes resilient and joyful. Use the Eight Dates as a starting roadmap, practice the daily behaviors above, and consider Gottman-informed couples counselling at Aspen Psychology Group in Calgary if you want guided, research-backed support.
Further Resources:
Eight Dates to keep your relationship happy, thriving and lasting by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman (2019)
Disclaimer: The content contained in this post is for informational/educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, consultation, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of your qualified mental healthcare provider in your area with any personal questions you may have.
Also, PsychologyToday.com is a great resource for finding a mental health professional in your area.